Guns 4 Kids

Season 1, episode 9

When life has been using your balls as a punching bag it’s easy to get despondent, but when the slinky kitten of fortune purrs in your ear you can bet your bottom dollar your family jewels will sigh in relief.  In this case the slinky kitten in question was a reporter for FOX 21 News, the largest news station in Colorado Springs.

Kevin managed to milk his stay at the hospital by claiming various maladies resulting from being grazed by a bullet, including shock, heart murmur, anal fissures, brain tumors, HIV, leprosy, and shin splints.  In reality, he just liked getting three meals a day served to him in bed.  I brought our laptops in, so we were able to get a lot of work done on CFM during his stay. Kevin got the website up and running, and I figured out how to run Facebook ads which we planned to start as soon as we had some money.  In the meantime, we needed a way to get some free promotion for the blog. 

As it turned out, FOX 21 News wanted to interview Kevin and I for a story they were doing on the mall shooter.  Suzi MacDonald, a reporter for the station, called and asked if she could come to the hospital with a camera crew to do an interview.  This gave me an idea. 

“Sure, come on over, Suzi,” I told her over the phone. 

“We’ll be there in thirty minutes,” she said. 

“Who was that?”  Kevin asked from his bed after I’d hung up. 

“Suzi MacDonald from FOX 21 News.  She wants to interview us about the mall shooting.  Listen, I have an idea.”  I told him what I was thinking. 

“You’re a goddamn genius,” he said, holding up his paw.

“Fuckin-A, Kevy,” I said, giving him a high-five.  “Let’s get to work.” 

By the time Suzi and her camera crew arrived we were ready. 

Over the years I’d seen her on TV many times and she always looked great, but in real life Suzi MacDonald was utterly, jaw-droppingly stunning.  She was dazzling in her purple blouse and charcoal business skirt, and Kevin couldn’t take his eyes off those long, shiny legs.   (I bet he was wondering how she got them to shine like that.)  He couldn’t stop staring at the flowing, blonde hair framing her face.  Her face!  That of a Greek goddess descending Mount Olympus to grace mankind with her divine beauty.  Or her the way her ass moved as she walked—performance art, I say!  Yes sir, performance art.  He was probably imagining sharing a grass hut with her on a beach on a deserted, tropical island, alone, where she spent all day not wearing very much while she massaged his—

“We’re ready for you now, Jimmy Merle.” 

“Huh, what?” I said, shaking my head.

“We’re ready to start the interview,” Suzi said.    

“Oh, yeah, right.  Sorry.”  I hoped she hadn’t noticed Kevin ogling her.  How embarrassing. 

She had Kevin remain in his bed for the interview—better optics she said—and had me sit in a chair next to him.  She then sat down across from us, folded one long, shiny, divine leg over the other, and began the interview. 

“Last Saturday a lone gunman entered the Chapel Hills Mall in Colorado Springs and began shooting randomly,” She said into one of the cameras.  “I’m here with Jimmy Merle and Kevin who risked their lives to subdue the gunman.  Jimmy Merle, what thoughts were going through your mind when you heard the first shots fired?”

“Well, Suzi, my first thought was we’ve got to get the word out about CFM.”

“Wait…what’s CFM?  And why were you thinking about that in the middle of an active shooter situation?”

“That’s a great question, Suzi.  CFM stands for Civilian Fuck Monkey, it’s a new blog.  I’m the founder and CEO, and Kevin is my business partner.”  Kevin waved at the camera. 

“But what does that have to do with the mall shooting?”

“Well, our mission is to save the planet.  Mass shootings are a big problem on our planet, and after the mall incident we decided to dedicate resources at Civilian Fuck Monkey to ending mass shootings.  That’s Civilian Fuck Monkey dot com.”

“And what’s your plan for ending mass shootings?”

“Guns 4 kids,” Kevin said.    

She stared at him open-mouthed for a moment.  “What exactly is guns for kids?”

“Well, as I was slamming the gunman’s head into the ground and shattering his ribs, it occurred to me that if we had a more peaceful society maybe we wouldn’t have so many mall shootings.  That’s where Guns 4 Kids comes in.”

“That’s right, Suzi,” I said.  “You see, that mall shooter would have been a lot more peaceful and a lot less trigger happy if every child in that Santa area was open-carrying a loaded firearm.” 

“You want to arm children?”  She gasped.  “It’s irresponsible and dangerous to give children powerful weapons!”

“Of course it is,” I replied.  “That’s why they’d be armed with low powered guns, like .22’s.” 

“But…that’s ridiculous!” she said. 

“I see your point,” I laughed.  “One .22 by itself doesn’t have much stopping power, but when you have ten kids with .22’s shooting together—”

“Children shouldn’t have any kind of guns!” 

“Right,” I said.  “Not any kind of guns.  Age appropriate guns.” 

“But what about gun control?!”

“They’d be trained to shoot using both hands, so they’d have gun control.” 

She stared at me open-mouthed for a minute.  Then a knowing (and very sexy) smile slowly appeared on her face.  “Okay, okay, guys,” she chuckled.  (And what a divine chuckle it was!)  “You had me there for a minute.  Guns 4 kids.  Right.  That’s a clever way to get the name of your blog out there.”

“Well, Suzi, at CFM we’re committed to saving the motherfucking planet.” 

“So why are you two taking on this mission?”

“Someone’s gotta do it,” Kevin said.

“What causes do you support?” she asked. 

“You mean besides Guns 4 Kids?” I said. 

She laughed.  “Yes, besides that.” 

I quickly tried to remember charity ads I’d seen while surfing the web.  “We…uh…support feeding starving children, clean oceans, a livable wage, and ending erectile dysfunction.” 

“I see, so CFM is a sort of hub promoting many different worthwhile causes.” 

“Uh…yeah…right…we’re a hub,” I said, quickly agreeing with her.  “But CFM is not just any old hub, Suzi.  CFM is the goddammedest, most awesome fucking hub on the entire motherfucking planet, where only the best, most prestigious and sexiest charities are.” 

“Well, that’s pretty commendable, guys.” Suzi said, flashing us a thousand-watt smile which I’m pretty sure made Kevin lightheaded.  Then to the camera—”Okay, that’s all the time we have.  Local heroes and social activists, Jimmy Merle and Kevin, whose quick thinking and even quicker action prevented what would surely have been a horrible tragedy.  This is Suzi MacDonald reporting for FOX 21 News, Colorado Springs.”

“And that website is Civilian Fuck Monkey dot com!” I said quickly. 

“Good job, boys,” Suzi said to us as the crew began packing up their gear. 

“You need anything else?” I said, trying to be helpful.  “More photos?  Another quote?  Bottled water?  A foot-massage?”

“No thank you, we’re good,” she laughed.  Then to her camera crew.  “Guys, let’s shoot some B-roll of the hospital on our way out.” 

“You need me to come with you?” I asked eagerly.  “You know, for the video?”

“I think we’ve got it from here.” 

They finished packing up, and she shook hands with me and Kevin.  “Thanks again, guys.”

“Should I get your cell phone number so I can reach you directly if I think of anything else for your story?” I asked. 

“You’re hilarious, Jimmy Merle,” she laughed, heading out.  “Bye!” 

“Bye,” I said wistfully as Kevin gazed at those lovely, shiny legs until they disappeared out the door. 

“Call me crazy,” he said, “But at the end there it sounded like she thought Guns 4 Kids was just a publicity stunt.  Do you suppose she thinks we’re not serious?”

“Nah, Guns 4 Kids is an idea whose time has come.  It takes time for people to accept new ideas, even great ones.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

“You bet your sweet ass I’m right,” I said.

“Yeah, well it’s a wonder your ogling Ms. MacDonald’s ass didn’t blow this whole thing for us.  I’m surprised she even did the damned interview.”

“What?!  I was not ogling her!  You were ogling her, fuck face.  You’re just jealous because she obviously has a crush on me.”

“You had all the subtlety of a rutting baboon, ass hat.  Besides, it’s me she has the crush on.  Face it, I’m way better looking than you.”

“Are not.”

“Am too.”

That evening FOX 21 lead with the mall shooter, and dedicated fifteen minutes to the story.  They showed footage of the Chapel Hills Mall, the broken windows, interviews with witnesses, and finally the interview with Kevin and me.  At the end they even gave out our web address.

“Did you see that, Kevy?!” I shouted, pointing at the screen.  “They gave out our web address!  We’re famous!” 

“Oh my god,” he said, staring at his smartphone. 

“What?”

“We’ve already got over a hundred emails—wait, a hundred-and-fifty now.  They’re all coming into the CFM support email address.”

“What do they say?”

“A lot of them are from non-profits who want to partner with us,” Kevin said, swiping through them with his big, hairy finger. 

“Which non-profits?”

“Let’s see—Here’s one from the National Rifle Association.  Here’s one from the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence.  This one’s from Greenpeace.  This one’s from the Shell Oil Foundation.  Planned Parenthood, National Right to Life, the Republican National Committee, the Democratic National Committee—”

“Do you know what any of these stand for?”

“Not really,” Kevin said, still scrolling.  “Wow, they just keep coming in.   People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, the American Association for Laboratory Animal Science, the National Organization for Women, the National Center for Men, The Flat Earth Society.  Which ones are we going to partner with, Jimmy Merle?” 

“Shit, I dunno.  All of ‘em, I guess.  High five!”  I slapped Kevin’s paw. 

“I’ll get to work updating the website.” Kevin grabbed his laptop. 

“Kevy, everyone is going to love us.”

Because of our hero status from the FOX 21 story, the hospital let Kevin milk his stay another day before finally throwing both of us out.  The final straw came when they caught us playing a game we invented called extreme tag which involved chasing each other around the hospital with live defibrillator paddles.